Four months and an eternity to go…
It’s been four months since Mike died and I am at peace knowing that he is completely healed and healthy once again in Heaven. Though, that doesn’t take away the feelings of sadness and the immense weight of his absence that I feel every single day.. What feels like an eternity before we will be united again in Heaven. 💔
I am struggling to find the words I want to share as a new widow. Do I tell you about Mike’s last days with us and how excruciating it was to watch “my person”, the love of my life wither away before my eyes, but still never give up? (I’m not ready to share the details and, honestly, may never be).
The only thing I really want to share about those last few days is how amazing our family was. They were there for Mike and they were there for me and it was truly a blessing!
Do I tell you about all the God-winks we have had? (Eagles, cardinals, purple eggs from my chickens, purple balloon that appeared when we “needed” a balloon, a Happy Birthday balloon appearing on Mike’s birthday…) Do I tell you about how weird grief is and how most people don’t want to talk about it? (I understand and have done the same thing, but now I know it’s okay to say their name).
Do I tell you that I miss his voice, his smile, his hands holding mine, his kiss, his hugs, his unconditional love for me and our family? There is so much in my head but nothing is making sense on paper!?!
I do want to start by encouraging everyone to tell your people what’s on your mind! I have days where I wonder if I told Mike enough times how handsome he was, how proud I was of him and how much I loved him! He was such a great provider and was such a visionary! I know I told him, and I know he knew it, but once they’re gone, you just wonder if you said it enough!
The kids and I are doing okay and learning how to live this life without Mike. Working to honor him in the way we live and decisions we make. Life will never be the same, but we have to keep moving forward and not get stuck.
I have a lot more time on my hands since I’m not researching cancer related stuff and not being a caretaker. I started the Bible recap again this year; reading through the Bible in chronological order and I’m loving it. I’ve been journaling every day and trying to take care of myself. I’m training for another marathon in March. I watch grandkids as needed and attend their activities, which is fun and not as stressful as when your own kids were playing. I’m meeting with another widow to talk about starting up a “grief share” kind of group. It’s just in the very beginning stage, but I feel like it would be super helpful for people!
I have been reading a very helpful book called “God on Mute” (engaging the silence of unanswered prayer) by Pete Greig. I would highly recommend this book if you have ever wondered why your prayers don’t seem to be getting answered! In the beginning of the book, there is a quote of some graffiti that was found in 1945 on the wall of a basement in Germany, where a Jewish believer is thought to have been hiding from the Gestapo. “ I believe in the sun, even when it isn’t shining. I believe in love, even when I am alone. I believe in God, even when he is silent.” This fits with my word for the year… ANCHORED: firmly rooted, even amidst stormy waters; can’t be shaken; stability, safety, and being held steady while the world still moves around me. Safe, held, and secure.. even when emotions shift. I am anchored in the LORD and even though my prayers weren’t answered how I wanted them to be, I still trust Him and know that someday things will all make sense.
Blessings,
Paula
